Sidharth Vardhan

Diary of a Cynical Suicide – 8

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(A short fiction by Sidharth Vardhan
September 15, 2018)

Find all parts of ‘Diary of a Cynical Suicide’ here

176.
I look for peace in this world where everywhere I see imaginary wild red fires. I no longer hope to find it so I don’t know why I go on. The habit of breathing can be so addictive, won’t leave you till death do you two apart.

177.
I listen to people talking about things I can’t get interested in. Sometimes I wish I was piece of furniture – gets whole credit of existing without being troubled by related misfortunes and listens to everything yet can stay indifferent without raising offence of those speaking. Now that is life! … Or well lack of it.

178.
This desire to be furniture reminds me of Vonnegut talking about a person in comma if I remember right “not feeling a thing, yet getting the credit of being alive” . How I yearn to live rest of my life in comma!

179.
The crows roam around in joy of easy access to free food given to them as Shradhs have decided and Hindus feed them believing that in feeding them they are feeding their dead ancestors returning for a meal. I try to enter their imagine and see from their eyes, the bodiless ghosts of their ancestors coming all the way for a meal and, though knowing it is no more than a piece of imagination am scared not by the ghosts but by the idea if that was true, death won’t free me. I look at the believers with their ideas of rebirth and mourn to hopelessness of these prisioners of existence who cant imagine an easy escape from existing and must must such bleak versions even on their escape – that of death.

180.
Come to think of it, I don’t like the phrase ‘rest in peace’, if you are dead it can’t be otherwise.

181.
Some people have called it my obsession with death, I call it honesty. The only honest way to deal with existence of one’s being.

182.
In the bus today there was a mute kid, a poor one, he sat beside me and seeing the money I had in hand begged me some. I was short on money – having barely enough to get back to home and no ATM. I shook my head and felt sorry afterwards. May be I should have given him my mobile and laptops – after all of what good are these things except as my instruments in creating these notes of melancholy? But of course it would have been nothing more than a meaningless gesture – they would be stolen from the kid as soon as he was alone. There is nothing I could do. I don’t even have a shoulder to cry on for the kid who won’t see my narcissism in the whole thing. Now that I think back I don’t believe I want to cry because I wanted to help the kid or on my helplessness in doing so. I want to cry because when I look at the kid making miserable efforts to communicate with bus conductor and asking him to no benefit where bus was going, when I look at the other passengers cringing at sight of him – I can’t pretend that this world is any less uglier than a vast pile of pig shit.

183.
But my destination was an even better proof in this theory. It was a friend who lost his mental balance. He lost his mental balance because he had taken to be truth the narrow limits of good virtues that people mask themselves and decided that since he himself had those evil instincts common to all these ‘normal’ people, he was a bad person and constantly tried – genuinely to be good. He had recovered to some extent but now is back to going deep into abyss as his family tries to make him act normal, he builds to himself conspiracy theories going around in the world which he suddenly finds full of masks and can no longer trust.

184. Pain Letters – 10
Dear Jenny
Human beings treat animals as slaves – as commodities bought and sold and in market. And since I didn’t buy you, I can’t call you mine. And it is a good thing, I don’t want our relationship to be one between a man and his property. No you are my best friend – who were there with me in the hardest of my times. Not helping me by money or sharing my work – but by doing something else. Day by day you kept me alive by lending me your own life. When I thought I would go mad, kill myself, when I thought I was no more than a walking corpse – you kept me going.

When being woken by the noise of arguments in family would make me feel anxious that I didn’t die in the sleep, you cured my diseased heart by licking my mouth.

And now here I am writing this – not to thank you. I won’t insult you by thanking you. And I know you won’t read be able to read it. No, I write because a friend asked me to write. And I write to bury my own guilt in those letters.

Yes guilt. You don’t know what is guilt, Jenny and you are lucky for that. And you don’t feel guilty because you have no reason to. When they say Adam followed Eve out of paradise; they forgot to add that a dog followed them too – trailing not far behind, oblivious to the prophecies of Gabriel. Dogs entered the valley of the planet untainted by fruit of knowledge.

How often I have ran away from people to solitude and how often I have tried to run away from loneliness looking for someone to talk to – and only failing to find anyone. You though have managed to cure my loneliness without creating noise of crowds. With you I get the best of both worlds – you are my companion in solitude. How often in winters we sit on roof – me reading a book and you sitting close by and looking at the passers-by in the street. Sometimes I look at you in love and sometimes you look at me with your never ending love.

Tell me Jen, do you sometimes wish to be out yourself? I know you do. But I am scared Jen that you will walk away too far – and won’t know how to return. And other dogs will bully you – you are such a little coward Jen, a saint – you won’t know how to bite someone even if your life depended upon it. You are used to best of delicacies and the greedy dog you are – having the best of food. And I do not want to use the leash with you. I am not your owner and I detest using collar and leash…. for animals – just as I hate beating them.

I know you must want to meet your own kind – how excitedly you wag your tail for street dog who might visit you or when a puppy enters the house. You do not bite them – in fact, I am afraid that the youngest of puppy will manage to bully you.

Do you remember your own puppies when you see these visitors? Puppies that were taken from you so cruelly only to be sold just as you were. You were lucky to have them – for dogs owned by this cursed house are never allowed to meet other dogs and are never allowed to have sex and children – things that we, hypocrites that we are, think everyone deserves – but in that everyone we include only human beings. The love of members of my family is selfish one, they may give you kisses by scores but looking after a dog – no, never.

But you were lucky and you did have those puppies – I remember how I was often afraid that you won’t be able to mother them – after all you were a child yourself. But you proved me wrong – how you licked their bottoms to clean them – how you let them have your milk and how you put them to their little bed – I remember all those moments, don’t think i will forget the best moments of your small life.

For your life is small Jenny – ten to fifteen years and you have already lived five of them. I am scared of our forthcoming separation, Jenny. Corpse that I am, I sometimes dream for myself a life of happiness – but you aren’t in them for even in my dreams I can not forget that you are but a small part in my life. For you, though this house is all your life and world. You don’t know of Venice or Rio dio Jenrio even from names. And you can’t even dream of those places. And still you are happy Jenny, you are happy because you are ignorant – you haven’t beaten into fruit of knowledge.

And what about children Jenny. Human children – even they excite you. You have a ready love for anyone who might ask for some. And you ask for nothing in return.

You have very little wishes Jenny – want to play with your ball and carry it in your mouth all around – tempting everyone to play with you. You demand that no doors in the house should be shut down – and if they must everyone must be on your side of door. And you ask that at a routine hour you must be taken up at roof.

And of course you want food a lot. Not only you must have your own food – which is a huge quantity but you must claim as a sort of tax some percentage from anyone eating anything inside the house. You will sit there near anyone having anything – stalking them with your eyes set on the food in their hands – your face never looked so innocent otherwise and it might have a needed a heart of stone for one not to give you any of one’s own meal.

Do you remember when you were little, Jenny? You would not even bark – and we would make jokes about your not being a perfect dog. The only time you bark were when you were tied away from us. Thank go, no one ties you now. And you would chew on wood of window frame of lobby – the piece of wood you chewed away left a void that can still be found there. Do you sometimes look at it, and remember your childhood?

185. Pain letters – 11

Dear Jenny
I still look at the way you beg us to see that you meet your sexual needs and feel powerless. There is not a thing I can do for you. I am a loser and will always be a loser. There is a puppy in the street that has grown dear to me because on more than one occasion I have found him ill-treated by children and thus had to save him. You can get its smell from my body whenever I return after petting him and are excited.

186. Pain Letters – 12
Dear Jenny
The puppy I told you about met an accident. He was crossing the road too excited to see me and a motorcycle ran over him. Motorcycle wasn’t fast and it wasn’t so much the fault of driver. The puppy is incapable of being at fault. It was my fault I think because it was me whom he wanted to meet. I should have known that love never helped anyone. The puppy screamed that would have shaken earth.if the planet was capable of emotion.

I don’t know how to see this incident and go on living. I am too tired and clueless. I don’t know a thing, don’t understand anything about humanity.

As puppy screamed I moved closer to him and wanted to calm him, several shopkeepers came out to see the reason of screams and told me not to mind it as my hands shook while trying to pet it, afraid that I might touch a body part that hurts. It ran away.

I haven’t seen it ever since in later half of the day. I hope it dies soon if the injuries are going to last it’s life

187.
Pain Letters – 13
Dear Jenny
The puppy is alive and in pain. It won’t eat or drink anything. It shakes. Its gaze is dropped in pain. It no longer shows excitement on seeing me. I sat near him, asked for food to given by him only to laughed at. I need somebody’s arms to cry in but nobody understands. I don’t understand myself. Only losers feel love for animals I guess. Too ridiculous a display of emotions I guess.

I don’t know what philosophy justify such pain for a creature who hardly understands life at all.

188.
Pain Letters – 14
Of all the receivers of these pain letters, yours are the only ones without any names to them. I won’t name you because I don’t want anyone to feel guilty and you will feel guilty, no matter how many times you have told me to contrary.
You abandoned me, left me alone. I would have gladly waited if you have asked me to, if you had even implied you would value my being there on coming back. But you left me without a word, without a second thought. If I now go away, it is not going away from you. You are no longer there, you left. I leave – going away not from you but from waiting for you which is all I seem to have done these days and which is all you seem to think I am capable of doing.
But I learned to do it. There was nothing in reality that illusion of the friend and beloved I had in you but I learned to knowing believe in illusions. I found a place to indulge my illusions in.
You weren’t a great friend when I needed one but you tried. And for that, thanks.

189.
Pain letters – 15
I spoiled or tried spoiling another of your interview. It can’t go on like that. If you are angry, you have a reason to. And I deserve every punishment. My brother admitted, without least bit of guilt, to stealing from us (in lakhs) when I was looking after granny and didn’t know from where my next meal would come from and was afraid that I won’t be able to take granny to hospital if she needed one. This was the last bit of the family I was born in. I know this doesn’t excuse anything.

It has been a while I have written a note in this diary and even more time since I addressed a pain letter to you. I don’t know what to do, wherever I think this ‘phrase’ is finally over – that d familiar instinct comes to me. In this world full of loneliness you had seemed, and despite everything continue to seem, an oasis of life for me. I can’t help it if all of a sudden all my being pleads with universe for a sip of your company. And even after your making it clear again and again, I still can’t understand exactly how you don’t feel the same.

I will never get over how little a place I hold in your life. How easy it was for you to miss a chance to meet me. How easily you can go for days without talking to me. Perhaps you won’t ever need to.

You said you wanted me as a friend but it seems that is not true any longer. Anyways I tried. I tried repeatedly for.old times sake but I failed. We have had like one good conservation and I am back to being loser I am. And we both know you can’t bear it any longer. I can’t cut my feelings and settle for only corpse of that beautiful illusion of you-and-I.

There are yet again so many reproaches in me that I want to make and I am afraid I will end up making them – I don’t see it as your fault. You moved away, you stopped needing me when you weep, you grew stronger and normal in the one year and a quarter we have known each other but I still remain the freak loser that I was, accusing others for my pathetic being. It is obviously my fault and not yours.(none of this is sarcasm, please don’t see it that way).

I am sorry for annoying you with these letters when you are working hard for your career and don’t ended me for emotional support either. I will delete your contact number and it shall stay deleted unless you decide to give it to me again by texting me or calling me. I know you don’t need me so don’t. I can’t help sending mails. Your email id is way too easier to find. So please don’t respond to any mails from me or better yet not read them. I hope one day I will get used to your absence if I can think you are spamming my mails and have blocked my numbers. And from your reaction last time you thought I blocked you I know that my absence won’t bother you the least. I won’t ever block you, since it tormented me when you did it. You were so nice being repeatedly around this far – even though you didn’t need me in life; you lapsed a couple of times but you are only human. You came back every time you left. You even tried getting into that you-and-I even though you didn’t believe in it. You even warned me that it will hurt me. And here i have been blaming you for everything. But I won’t any longer. I will go suffering from these anxiety attacks bur I can’t tax you any longer. And i will try not to. And I can’t bear what seems like your indifference from the screwed point of view of pathertic person I have become when you are just too busy.

You are one of the best persons I have known, don’t let your terrible experience affect you in any manner.

Thanks for everything you did for me and sorry for every time I hurt you or spoiled your fault. You are right love is stupid. And I am a stupid loser.
My best chance at surviving is hurting you again and again by acting cynical and using masks because I can’t hurt you physically. I won’t do this any longer and you don’t want that either. You are not mine to hurt and I realise that.

You are right this friendship sucks. It doesn’t help either of us.
Bye and have a good life.

190.
Pain letters – 16
I spoiled or tried spoiling another of your interview. It can’t go on like that. If you are angry, you have a reason to. And I deserve every punishment. My brother admitted, without least bit of guilt, to stealing from us (in lakhs) when I was looking after granny and didn’t know from where my next meal would come from and was afraid that I won’t be able to take granny to hospital if she needed one. This was the last bit of the family I was born in. I know this doesn’t excuse anything.

It has been a while I have written a note in this diary and even more time since I addressed a pain letter to you. I don’t know what to do, wherever I think this ‘phrase’ is finally over – that d familiar instinct comes to me. In this world full of loneliness you had seemed, and despite everything continue to seem, an oasis of life for me. I can’t help it if all of a sudden all my being pleads with universe for a sip of your company. And even after your making it clear again and again, I still can’t understand exactly how you don’t feel the same.

I will never get over how little a place I hold in your life. How easy it was for you to miss a chance to meet me. How easily you can go for days without talking to me. Perhaps you won’t ever need to.

You said you wanted me as a friend but it seems that is not true any longer. Anyways I tried. I tried repeatedly for.old times sake but I failed. We have had like one good conservation and I am back to being loser I am. And we both know you can’t bear it any longer. I can’t cut my feelings and settle for only corpse of that beautiful illusion of you-and-I.

There are yet again so many reproaches in me that I want to make and I am afraid I will end up making them – I don’t see it as your fault. You moved away, you stopped needing me when you weep, you grew stronger and normal in the one year and a quarter we have known each other but I still remain the freak loser that I was, accusing others for my pathetic being. It is obviously my fault and not yours.(none of this is sarcasm, please don’t see it that way).

I am sorry for annoying you with these letters when you are working hard for your career and don’t ended me for emotional support either. I will delete your contact number and it shall stay deleted unless you decide to give it to me again by texting me or calling me. I know you don’t need me so don’t. I can’t help sending mails. Your email id is way too easier to find. So please don’t respond to any mails from me or better yet not read them. I hope one day I will get used to your absence if I can think you are spamming my mails and have blocked my numbers. And from your reaction last time you thought I blocked you I know that my absence won’t bother you the least. I won’t ever block you, since it tormented me when you did it. You were so nice being repeatedly around this far – even though you didn’t need me in life; you lapsed a couple of times but you are only human. You came back every time you left. You even tried getting into that you-and-I even though you didn’t believe in it. You even warned me that it will hurt me. And here i have been blaming you for everything. But I won’t any longer. I will go suffering from these anxiety attacks bur I can’t tax you any longer. And i will try not to. And I can’t bear what seems like your indifference from the screwed point of view of pathertic person I have become when you are just too busy.

You are one of the best persons I have known, don’t let your terrible experience affect you in any manner.

Thanks for everything you did for me and sorry for every time I hurt you or spoiled your fault. You are right love is stupid. And I am a stupid loser.
My best chance at surviving is hurting you again and again by acting cynical and using masks because I can’t hurt you physically. I won’t do this any longer and you don’t want that either. You are not mine to hurt and I realise that.

You are right this friendship sucks. It doesn’t help either of us. I will suffer again and miss you badly but hopefully this time I will be able to stay away and not distract you from your work.

And I have no intention of killing myself at the moment. If the mobile is shut down in case you call, it is because of low battery. I won’t call you the day i kill myself and I don’t think you will believe me (you are justified not to, after all the false alarms).

I know you are probably tired of all these good byes, I will try to make it last one. I have to delete your numbers because I can’t live with fear of coming to WhatsApp one day and not seeing your avatar. You won’t know how it has made me feel before.

You are one of best people around. I wish I deserved you. I wish I didn’t hurt you all the times I did. But let us agree we won’t let you suffer because of my bad moods in 2019. We shall both try our best to do that.
Bye and have a good life.

191. Not a pain letter – 17

There is a difference between a reproach and an accusation. An accusation is judgemental, it says what a person did was what he or she would do anyway, doing it is that person’s nature. A reproach doesn’t judge, it says it expected you to be better than what you did and, in fact, continues to expect you to be better. If wants you to be punished. It looks for a clarification, it tries to understand what made you act in a way inferior to the better person you really are. It says your actions hurt me but I know you are better and I want to be with you, so please tell me under what stress you acted in a way I had thought inferior of you.

You said you had told me you were fickle minded? Well I told you I would depress you, that I was pathetic and you didn’t agree. So you knew what you were dealing with too. You said I should be happy with lies? It was you who had problem when I was wearing a mask of happiness.
You are right about four things. You are fickle minded. But all your different versions are good to humanity. Just good to different people. I have states of my mind that are disgusting. And if some of them implied that you are a terrible person than I am sorry because you aren’t. Just because you were there for.me one day doesn’t mean you will be there another day as well. It was stupid of me to assume that. You are an amazing person and you did left me with some beautiful memories, and even a source of income. And all I have given you in turn is a pain letter. I don’t think I can even apologize for even that.

You told me what you think you really are. I still don’t agree. I still think you really are a better person. No one who is selfish and heartless would keep coming back. You are a far far better person. But you are right (second thing) about one thing. You can’t handle my bad moods. To be honest, I am no longer I can handle yours but if, you believe I can, you are welcome to try again.

But to get back to the point, you are right you can’t handle my bad moods. No one can. Sis can’t either. And nobody should be made to. It is my problems and I must learn to handle them myself. It is nobody’s fault that I am a terrible loser. I opened the flood gates when you thought you could, but I am trying to close them again. I will manage that.

You said that I depress you. And I agree and I apologise. But this is real me. I can’t help it. You didn’t like the mask or real me. You said we should be happy in lies but you didn’t like my mask. I understand that too. You didn’t like my ‘mask’ version of lies but those are all I am good in. I don’t have your energies to find new ones every day. So here is the optins you have – real depressing me, the mask or none of me. And I have to assume this thing since if I am afraid you will be in bad moods if I ask you to. So it is last if you don’t text me. And as long as you text me first, I will try to assume it is third. Though it is really difficult for me. I am loser I can’t help contacting you again and saying goodbyes again and again. So you will be one who might have to be one forcing me to live with third. And if I really do depress you and you really were selfish person you would have done it already …. But you don’t. Because you arent selfish or psychopath. You are a beautiful person. If after such a long time of our friendship I couldn’t make. You see that, then I failed as a friend. I am sorry for that.
But seriously I will assume that it is third and you are just too good to cut me off. So I won’t contact you first or try not to.
But what if you contact me first? What I am to do then? To be mask or to be real me?

And you are right (third thing) I should not have sent you the pain letter. It was a lousy thing to do. I won’t send this one now.

You are right (fourth thing) I can’t help digging graves in every conversation. The statement of truth doesn’t make you selfish, just honest. I try not to do so. I try hard. But that is a disgusting habit I seem to have developed of late. I will try to stop it. As I said I am trying to shut the flood gates. It is upto you whether you want to stick around while I try doing so or not.

But if you ever come across it on your own or due to my failure to keep it from you, just know that there was a time I wanted to go away because I thought I depress you and you didn’t let me. And that shows what a good person you are.

There were times when you left and came back because you didn’t want to be alone. And I did that too. Because I thought this was what we were. Stuck with each other. Now it is apparently just me. And I will try to cut myself away from your life one way or another. I won’t depress you. What you wrote didn’t depress me or caused any bursts of tears.

You were wrong about one thing. I am not a good person. If I was a good person I won’t have accused (to use your word) you as I did and as I said accusations are judgemental and so I was that too. I wont have asked you to stop talking about your sex life. Now you know I am not a good person. Not at all. If you think I am compassionate and so a good person, you overrate compassion. I have failed you as a friend, lover and whatever else you thought of me. And you still come back, because you ARE the white swan.

I too don’t believe in commitment. I never accused you of moving to another person. I reproached you of making me feel redundant but that too was wrong and I am sorry. I share your values about relationships but it looks like my heart doesn’t.

I told you what my guilty line was ‘statete ho jitna tum humko/Kisi gair ko yu sata me dekho’. You are right I knew what I was dealing with. And there is only fault of yours that makes me make all those reproaches – I think of you as mine, if not in romantic way which is not most important, than as a friend, but mine own. Those reproaches are the price you have to pay if you want to come close to me. You don’t any longer want to. And I am trying to undo it because you don’t want those accusations which is what you think my reproaches are. And I will not let anyone close again – ever.

What still hurts, and this is neither reproach nor accusation, is that all you remember from everything – the times I got up for you, the songs and stories I wrote for you, the conversations, all the stories we shared, the countless times you thought you had done something unforgivable all you will remember is a pain letter I let pass of me. I want to think it was a letter written in anger, but than that is the only time I have seen you feel anything for me.

I am sorry for all the bad moods I have brought you. I am sorry I am not normal like you. I am sorry if I needed time to adjust to changes in my life. I am sorry I came to you for comfort all those times. I am sorry if I couldn’t stay away from wishing you happy birthday when I was otherwise doing okay without you. I am sorry I remembered the day even when I had deleted the date.

And I will punish myself for that. I won’t even write any pain letters or other letters to you. I will leave the choice upto you. Decide.what (if anything) you want from me? The real depressing me, the happy lying mask or nothing? In case you decide leave, remember you and Sabah are still two of best people I have come across. Sabah thought you were a free spirit. If Sabah or you or anyone decides to leave me, it is their right and choice. If I accuse them of leaving or being too busy, it is my fault, I am being disgusting loser. It was wrong of me to expect you to ask me to stay. You are right. I am sorry for expecting that.

I have brought you enough depression but no longer. I won’t say good bye again, since I too am tired of saying good byes and since you are the one who should decide whether you want me or mask around or neither. But if you opt for last, take care and know you are a beautiful person. You can’t be selfish even if you tried to. No matter what I or other say, you will always be a White Swan.

192.
I took the pain pills that were supposed to be lethal large amounts – I took all the ones left, that is six times the prescribed dosage and just to make sure they work I took them on an empty stomach. And I took them at night to give them enough time to work. An uncomfortable night followed and, after that, a few somewhat less uncomfortable days, but I didn’t die. By now, I have tried hanging by ceiling fan, cutting wrists, jumping before train, taking lethal doses of medicine – I am running out of methods and death continues to play hard to get.

193.
I used to have a soft spot for broken people. The things normally made me avoid people in general would be ignored by me when I saw them in broken people because I used to think that this behaviour is because of their being broken, and once they are unbroken, they would be awesome people, having strength of normal people but not those things I consider disgusting – the willingness to judge someone quickly, the willingness to desert someone who need you etc. But now I know better. Broken people, once they are unbroken, are just like other normal people. Dr. House was right, people don’t change, they just become more of themselves. I learned this lesson too later. I could be so far richer if I had learned this earlier. But now I know this, I can say without any reserve, that I hate the whole humanity.

194.
If you read above, you surely would comment I am myself judging whole of humanity so it is hypocritical of me to judge others for doing so. I have nothing against hypocrisy and I will surly love to tell you to shut your beak and return to your paradise pond with your normality and judgements but what I truly believe is that I am not hypocrite in this regard because I hate myself just as I hate others. I am punishing myself just as I am punishing others.

195.
Did I mention this or not that I hate the whole of this disgusting world? The happy ones are bannal and miserable ones are pathetic. Everyone is disgusting.

196.
I hate everyone equally. I hate murderers, pimps and rapists for their actions. And I hate those who are prejudiced against sex, race, religion, nation, caste etc for their prejudice. And I hate those who because they have given themselves some fancy labels like feminists, human right activists, social workers etc for being so judgemental of those who are so quick to judge. And I hate those who have to suffer because of these people exactly because they had to suffer. And I hate me for hating everyone. And you, who are reading this, I hate you for being loser enough to read this.

197.
The lesson I learnt in last few months is that no one in this whole wide world deserves your compassion and kindness. Especially distrust those who show concern for you.

198.
I had already lost my illusion about how important one’s family is and now I have lost my illusion about friends too. Now I know that there is no cure for loneliness. In Dante’s hell, only two people who were not alone was an infidel couple but that was a poet’s romantic imagination. You are always going to be alone, whether in heaven, hell or earth.

199.
I hate new years just like my birthdays, yet another new year is coming and I do not wish to live to see the sun or 2019 rise on this disgusting world. I see yet another suicide attempt on its way.

200.
These notes are already 200, they shouldn’t have been written in first place. They haven’t helped me in living or dying. I am still struck in between. May be this time I will die. May be this time I live. But I am sure by now, there is no way I am going to find a life.

Copyright – Sidharth Vardhan
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