(A short fiction by Sidharth Vardhan February 17, 2018) “My mother was from a traditional background and biased towards sons over daughters. That is perhaps why when she gave birth to twins – one of each sex, it was me who spend most of the time in her arms during our infancy rather than my sister. Thus my sister (needless to say that these details have been given to me by the then adults, including my mother, colored to make me special) would have to cry a lot to get the same attention for a few moments which; I got all the time without least effort. When she did get attention, she would fall asleep holding my mother’s hand (something on offer, only after my mother was done with putting me to sleep). Though she was a light sleeper and would wake up as soon as my mother tried to steal her hand from her little fingers, and start crying.” “This was troublesome for my mother who would have to sit there letting her daughter hold her hand and this didn’t exactly help her like the daughter. My grandmother finally came up with a solution; she created a small bag
(A short fiction by Sidharth Vardhan February 17, 2018 Find all parts of ‘Diary of a Cynical Suicide’ here) 51. I think of death as a friend. I told you how mere thought of killing myself makes it easier to go through troublesome nights. And ain’t it a sign of good friend? That mere idea of meeting her should assure you? I have see my aunt, mother and grandmother suffer miserably. It was their life that had become ugly and not death. Death came like an older friend and took their misery away in a single moment. 52. Perhaps Gaiman is right. You would look at Death and think that you have already met her. She would be that approachable, that friendly. 53. You tell me that there are friends enough in this world. Yes there are. I know that. But their good intentions don’t give results. They just don’t have that kind of powers. Death can end my sufferings in a moment. 54. One of Gaiman’s character Prez, a sort of ideal US president, gets a chance to see different versions of US after death. I wish that would be case with me too. I don’t care for US, India or
(A short fiction by Sidharth Vardhan August 2018 Find all parts of ‘Diary of a Cynical Suicide’ here) 26. So often one hears people say that everyone who lives must die. I wonder if they ever think about what it implies. That living is dying. That life is a slow poison – arguably the slowest of them all but hardly one with least suffering. On the contrary, one that makes one suffer the most. 27. And there is more truth to the above argument than a mere play at words. Because at some point in our lives, we do become conscious of the presence of this poison in our chest, that makes one suffer like an invisible dragger already deep into our heart – there are so many names for this feeling – the great sadness of life, the existinal crisis, the littleness of our existence, the meaninglessness of whole thing, but whatever you may call it, sooner or later you will feel it. At that point, there are only two honest ways of reacting to the situation – killing oneself or going mad. 28. Most of us though chose to be hypocrites. We chose to live in illusions and lies
(A short fiction by Sidharth Vardhan (Find all parts of ‘Diary of a Cynical Suicide’here June, 2018) 1. I think a lot about dying. Dream about it. But as much as I think of suicide, it is always about how would people feel afterward and rarely the actual incident death, It is somehow difficult to imagine myself dying – dead yes, but not dying, and if I do imagine death, it is rarely causing me suffering – what would be point of dying if I was to suffer through it? I may as well live. 2. There is a girl in my apartment. One of my roommate’s girlfriend. She and my other roommates are joking around. I can’t bring myself to join them. Something keeps me aloof. It ain’t envy or attraction to her. I somehow rarely get attracted to a women. Just as something keeps me from mixing with people in general. In fact, I can rarely feel anything, lesser still the pain. I just can’t bring myself to eat – three days already since I last ear something. I just can’t care – for myself or for others. It is four days and I still don’t know names
(A short fiction by Sidharth Vardhan July 15, 2018) PART I I probably know more about Adiyaas then anyone else does. The Empire has long known that they have dwelled in the difficult conditions of these mountains in the North of empire. In fact, I myself have been part of several of Empire’s efforts to seek them out, so as to civilize them. Several times the whole of their communities have fled when we were just moments from getting hold of them. A few times, some of them have actually been caught. The ones that were caught were almost always old or sick, too weak to move, but never children. Few who could walk were too weak to go too far –we had to carry them all on horses. These ‘deserted’ ones were always submissive – not crying, not wailing, not resisting. Unfortunately, we were forbidden killing those who give themselves up. The Empire still hoped to try and understand about ways of the Adiyaas from them. They had been deserted, you could expect them to betray; but no, not one of them did. They wouldn’t understand our language when we tried to speak to them. Even in the
(A song by Sidharth Vardhan First written on April 17, 2018) Take away your ficklish loves No bigger than smallest of months They may suit some other Myself can’t handle another Parts of my souls are still in graves Which were build by fantasies You thought were your loves And I loved the idea of death Till you showed me dead too suffer In storms of your passing fantasies
(A short story by Sidharth Vardhan First written on March 22, 2018) 1. He was so very careful with his steps. From very early on, he has decided one can’t be too careful as one walks to one’s destination, for one can so easily fall within a momentary carelessness on these rocky lands. And so many people had told him that they didn’t manage to reach the destination in time because they had fallen. Because, and it is a well-known fact, how people, once fallen, may not rise again for years. Too scared of the answer he might get, he didn’t ask anyone what it was like down there where they fell. But one can easily imagine how much they were suffering even now, when they had finally picked themselves up, from that look on their face. Something in the corner of their eyes sung the saddest songs he had heard. One could see scars all over their body and their complaints about pain in left side of their chest were quite well known. And he was sure he couldn’t stand that. Though he pretended to be strong, he knew deep in his heart that he was fragile and weak.
(A short story by Sidharth Vardhan First written on March 28, 2018) 1. From my earliest memories I have had this cusiosity regarding how the experience of this world differs for people with physical disabilities compared to others. Does a person who has been blind all his or her life know what colors are? How do we define the concept to them? Or does the person who has been deaf all his or her life understand the concept of music? And what about someone like Helen Keller! how lonely a life hers must have been, with nothing but touch and smell to make her conscious of other person’s presence. If you ask me conversations are the only most delibrate way in which we feel the presence of other people and enjoy their company; but it is hardly the strongest (that place goes to touch) or most common (which is sight). In presence of right kind of company, words aren’t neccesary to hold a conversation – in fact, best of conversations are often held in silence and words are superficial. That is why the dialogues in dramas and literature aren’t most effective when realisitic – they can only cover a marginal
(A short story by Sidharth Vardhan First written on January 28, 2018) 1. No one has noticed it yet, that is except for Shradha herself but soon they all will. People will only notice it over time – as she will get more choosy with her dresses, want to see more movies etc but those will only be more visible symptoms of the giant change in her values – a change that needed only six hours starting from the beginning of the movie show that caused it. The cause of change – a Bollywood movie, and a mediocre romance at that, is going to be more shocking for those who have known her at all.
(A short fiction by Sidharth Vardhan February 17, 2018) It is only because of King’s James’ personal dislike for dogs that nobody knows about Canis and Chien – for no accounts of our parents can ever be complete without mentioning them. When Adam and Eve were exiled; Canis and Chien – the first dog couple followed them, trailing not far behind them. When out of paradise, the dogs didn’t look back longingly to paradise.